“Excuse me ma’am, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there is a bee on your vagina” and other strange things I heard at the beach

19059552_1341695675884971_4397862894823404418_nNo, I’m not at the beach. It’s freezing where I live just like everywhere else on the planet right now. I just wish I was at the beach, so I dug out this post that I had posted on Facebook during the summer. I love the beach, even better when it’s cold because there are less people there.  Cold is awesome that way. Keeps the wimps away.

But I did make it to the beach a couple of times this past summer and on one of those times I went with a bunch of family. I love family. Sorry, I can’t back that up with paperwork. Family is okay. There. That’s better.

I’m kidding. Family is great. Kids are great. But kids are great, and become greater, in direct proportion to how far they are away from you on the family tree. That is just a fact. I responded recently to someone on a blog that kids are great, but kids you can return at the end of the day are even better.

Anyway, I went to the beach this past summer. These are just some of the things I heard while I was there.

I so love the beach. It is my go to place to relax and recharge. I love sitting on the shore and staring at the waves for hours, slowly losing the urge to kill every other human being on earth. For those few moments at least, I can handle the idea that Trump won the election, and that one of my brothers actually voted for him. Such is the power of this beautiful place.

That weekend I spent a couple of days there with family and it was great (because I drowned most of them out). But as always I can’t turn off my bionic hearing (I was gonna say Daredevil hearing but yeah, most of you are old) and I caught a few things worthy of second look.

First child-“I think I ate a jellyfish”
Second child-“What did it taste like?”
First child-“Slimy, sticky, wet, Hot Cheetos.”
Second child-“Yep, you ate a jellyfish.”

(After eating an oyster shooter)
“What did that taste like?”
“Kind of like a loogie dunked in shrimp cocktail sauce.”
“Gross.”
“Yep. Pass me another one.”

Me-“Hey I don’t think the refrigerator is cooling as it should.”
Unnamed-“It’s fine.”
2 days later…
Unnamed-“How do you feel? Everyone is throwing up. We all must of eaten something bad.”
Me-“Dumbasses.”

“Don’t say it bitch. Don’t do it!”- first drunk white lady at table next to us at a restaurant.
“I said it.”-second drunk white lady at table next to us
“I didn’t hear you say it. You just said you said it.”-first drunk lady
“I don’t remember now!”- second drunk lady
“Ha ha ha ha ha!”-Both drunk ladies

First girl-“Excuse me ma’am, I don’t mean to alarm you, but there is a bee on your vagina.”
Second girl-“My bathing suit has flowers and bees painted all over it.”
First girl-“Yeah, but the one on your vagina is a real one.”
Second girl “Oh shit!”

“Those kids are evil.”
“Don’t say that. They are just little girls.”
“So was Drew Barrymore in the Fire Starter.”

Little girl-“What did you do to my brother!”
Guilty boy-“I didn’t do anything!”
Little girl-“I saw you!”
Guilty boy-“Okay, well,then yes, I did.”

“Stop that!”-adult
“AAAAAHHHH!”-child (looking up at adult with clenching fists)
“You want something to drink?”- different adult
“AAAAAHHHH!”-same child
“Come sit down with us over here.”-different adult
“AAAAAHHHH!”-same child
“You’re just going to keep doing that aren’t you?”-different adult
“AAAAAAHHHH!”-same child
“I was wrong. This one is Drew Barrymore in the Fire Starter.”-Me

All of the above notwithstanding, I had a lot of fun at the beach. I think that if I could live there I would. Though sometimes I think I may get tired of so much relaxation, I would so love to test that theory.

In the end I have no idea why kids can be so evil, why the hell people eat oyster shooters, or why that bee picked that particular vagina to land on. All of them are and will probably remain, a mystery to me for some time, though I will try not to ponder too much about that last one.

What is important is that we all get away once in a while. Take a break from whatever your real world is. Sit by the beach. Have a drink. Listen to the waves for a day. If you have little kids then it won’t be quite the same, and you won’t be able to hear the waves over their screaming, but that’s okay, just make sure they are the kind you can return to owner at the end of the day. But if you can’t, that’s okay too. Some day, if you’re lucky, you’ll be a “grandparent” like me, with all the benefits incurred and arising out of that wonderful title. And what a wonderful title it is.

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