A few blog posts ago I posted about 10 of the things I tell Blue every day. After that post I realized that Blue is just about the only living thing I talk to nowadays on a regular basis, in person at least. Sure I text, message, and email all kinds of weirdos all day long, but Blue is the one that gets to hear me talk.
Someone asked me in a private message if I ever spoke to any real people. Of course I talk to people. Who’s gonna take my coffee order at the coffee shop? Who’s gonna ask me if I want a refill of my tea at Taco Ole? I need people just like anyone else.
Someone even asked me if I like people at all. Look, I like people. Some of my best friends are people (can’t confirm). Some of my family members, not sure which, are even people (again just rumors). Soylent green is people (this is a proven fact). But I like all people. Always have. I just don’t need them around me. People, for the most part, suck. They are needy, greedy little bastards and will piss in your Cheerios every chance they get. Don’t let them any where near your Cheerios.
And that’s why God created dogs.
Anyone who’s ever owned a dog and care for it knows why they are called “man’s best friend”. They are just special animals. There is an old joke that says to put your wife and your dog in the trunk of a car for an hour and see who is still happy to see you when you open it. Lol. Dogs were just made for us guys.
OMG when did this turn into a love fest? Where was I? Oh yes, I talk to my dog.
Blue is a great dog. How do I know this? Simple, every time I take him for a walk people stop me and say, “that’s a great dog”. That’s how I know. Trust me, I would not have known any other way. I keep wanting to tell people, “Sure, you don’t have to live with him.” But they would never see it unless they lived it. It’s easy thinking a dog is great until you have to clean up it’s poop. Try saying “great dog” after that.
First of all, he’s very self centered. He thinks the world revolves around him. It’s always me, me, me when it comes to Blue. He’ll be like “I want to go outside” or “I’m hungry” or, well, okay, it’s just those two things. But it’s every day all day long! Seriously? How many times does a dog need to eat and go the bathroom? I have actually thought about that question a lot. I am thinking those 2 things are connected, right? So, lets say I only feed him once a day he may only need to go outside once a day? And water? No drinking no need to go outside right? Why haven’t other people figured this out?
Second? There is no second. I just did not want to scroll back up an change that first sentence in that last paragraph. They say if you have a first then you must have a second. “They” don’t tell me what to do. But, I digress, if for no other reason than just to use the word digress at least once in my life (or twice, I rule this blog). Here are 5 more things I tell Blue once in a while:
#1 Do it. Go ahead. I fricking dare you. You know what? I fricking Double Dog dare you!
I have a large bookcase in my small apt. full of some of my favorite books. Nearly every time Blue walks by it he stops and sniffs. Not your regular sniffing either. You know the kind. He’s looking for a spot to relieve himself. So I watch. Every single time he walks by I have to watch him. He’s never “gone” inside the house, but I don’t trust him near my books. He’ll stop at them and then look at me with that “What? I didn’t do anything!” look and then he moves on, but not before he sticks his nose in my Stephen King collection and pushes those books around so that I have to keep moving them back every day. I don’t blame him though, Cujo and Pet Semetary were pretty bad. Everyone’s a critic.
#2 Why are you wagging your tail? I’m mad at you. Stop wagging your tail dammit!
It’s hard to get mad at dog that refuses to get understand why you are mad at him. Sure, when he knows he did something stupid he acts guilty and pretends to be sorry for what he knows he did wrong. He then walks around close to the ground with his ears down and his face all like Doby from Harry Potter. But when he has no clue what he did wrong it’s just useless to be mad him. He’ll just sit there wagging his tail like a dumb butt.
#3. “THANKS OBAMA”
Me and Blue watch CNN a lot. Blue suggested once that we watch Fox News because, well, it has “Fox” in the title, but it didn’t work out. We just couldn’t stomach it. So now we went back to watching CNN. Blue likes to watch The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer because, duh, it’s “Wolf”. I like to watch Out Front with Erin Burnett because, well, she’s just as good as Wolf Blitzer and looks much better in a dress.
Anyway ( I am a digressing fool today), rarely a day goes by that they don’t report President (I just threw up in my mouth a little) Trump tweeting about something he is taking credit for that was actually more likely due to policies enacted by Obama years before. Every time that happens I look at Blue and say “Thanks Obama”. Now I don’t know if Blue agrees with me or not. He may not care one way or the other. But sometimes he makes this face which makes me think he may be of the opinion that all of the executive orders Trump has signed over the past year have lead to greater consumer confidence, which has lead to increased buying power and a renewed sense of economic vitality, which in turn has lead to businesses re-investing their profits back into infrastructure and research, thus creating more jobs, which then means Trump is doing the right thing, or, it may just be the face Blue makes when he has gas. I think it’s gas.
#4 Seriously, you just peed there. It was you. Just right now. Let’s go.
It’s bad enough dogs have to sniff everything in sight and then pretend it’s something vital to fate of the earth, Blue does it with his own pee. He’ll go sniff a tree and then pee on it. Then he sniffs it again and gives me this look like he just found the holy grail or the tree of life or something. Wow.
#5 Do. You. Want. To. Go. Outside?
Look, pets are great. That doesn’t me we all don’t get tired of looking after them once in a while. It happens. So, if your in a family you share the duties, right? Wrong. I get stuck with them nearly all the time. If I am there it’s me.
I have this agreement with my daughter Lauren that we take turns asking Blue if he wants to go outside, other than the times he himself indicates that he needs to go outside. But when we ask Blue “Do you want to go outside?” he will get all excited and run to the door to be taken out. I mean, what dog does not want to run around outside? My agreement with Lauren is that we take turns asking and if he indicates yes then we take him for a walk.
I have figured out that Blue cannot concentrate for very long. If I ask him if he wants to go outside very slowly he won’t understand the question. So I do that. If he is sitting on the sofa across me the conversation will go like this:
“Do” He will look at me.
“You” His ears will perk up.
“Want” He will lift his head.
“To” He will look confused.
“Go” He will put his head back down.
“Outside?” His ears will go back down.
I did my part. I asked him. Lol.
I love Blue, but he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Well, maybe that time he had me playing fetch for him. That was a good one.
I hope all of you guys are having a great day. Please take care of your pets. They are special animals that rely on you for their safety and happiness. Be good to them.