The Dog Owner’s Life (Blue)

I often wonder about all the things I and my daughter Lauren say in our home that we might not ever have said had we not adopted our dog Blue. There are things spoken in the house of a dog owner that are simply not spoken in other places. Sure, some of the things said in a house with a pet are similar to things said when there is an infant in the house. But most things I mention are unique to having a dog. I have had both in my house and it is infinitely easier to take care of a dog than it is a child, and, more importantly, the dog will never tell you that someday he will put you in an old folks home. Dogs are the best, usually. But it does take work to be a dog owner. It’s not for everybody. It’s probably not even for me. But it’s a little late for that. Here are a few things you would hear at my house now because of Blue:

  1. Did he poop? If you have an inside dog you ask this all the time when someone brings him in from his “business” trip. He either did his business or he didn’t, and if he didn’t you need to know because you know he is going to need to go out again in giphy5while, and it will likely be your turn to take him. That’s assuming it isn’t always your turn. Which is why I am always surprised when Lauren asks me that question. I respond “Why do you want to know? Are you taking him out next time?” To which she quickly responds “no”. So yeah, a useless question when she asks it. I only ask the once a month she takes Blue out. Teenagers, yeah. Anyway. This question becomes part of your routine if you have a dog.
  2. Blue! You’re so stupid and ugly!  Let me explain that. I only do it because Lauren is always showering him with “Oh my God Blue you are such a handsome dog Blue yes you are and you are so smart what a gorgeous dog you are blah blah blah!”. Ugh. I will not have a dog in the house thinking he’s all that. He needs to learn that life is not always that easy. He needs to know that he will not be praised for every little thing. I will not raise a Millennial dog. Having said that, Blue has no idea what I am telling him anyway. He’s a dog. They don’t speak English. So when I do tell him he’s ugly and stupid I do it in the same squeaky hi pitched voice that Lauren uses and I rub his belly in the process. So he lies there wagging his tail the entire time. He has no idea what I’m saying. Nor does he care. It really pisses Lauren off. lol
  3. What’s that smell? You get back to the house and there is a smell you can’t identify. Blue is very house trained. He has not ever done his business inside the apt. Which is still make me wonder where he lived before he was on the streets and then at the pound. So it’s never that smell we are talking about. But Blue is a dog and, well, sometimes he smells like a dog. Or as Lauren likes to put it “He smells like outside”. But seriously. Blue has a way of getting his drinking water all over him. Few smells are as a impressive a the “wet dog” smell. Plus, we live in a small place.  Practically a closet. Wet dog smell in a closet is not a good thing. We try and bathe him once a week. Sometimes more if he does one of his nose dives into dog shit while on one of our walks. It happens.
  4. Check all the rooms! When Blue first joined our family we could not leave him alone inside the apt. at all. Every time we got back something would be torn up. Usually my books, but it could be anything. Papers that were lying around, fabric softenergiphy-downsized-large sheets he would find, his toys, and anything else he could get his paws on. So for quite a while when we walked back in the apartment that would be the first thing said and done. Early on he was very good at hiding stuff he had torn up. Sometimes we wouldn’t notice it until a day or too later. Now we just do a sweep of the place right away. Especially if he has a guilty look on his face when we arrive. Sometimes he would even barricade himself somewhere because he knew he was in trouble.
  5. Where’s Fred? Fred is the turtle. His name isn’t really Fred. Lauren got him a few years back and never named him, or rather, just called him something different every day.  I am always fearful of the day we get home and find that Blue has eaten Fred. I don’t know why though, he pays no attention to Fred at all. Maybe that’s it. I think he is setting us up for Fred’s disappearance. He doesn’t want to be on the suspect list. Well played Blue, well played.
  6. Has he been eating shit again? Blue has eternal bad breath. Since day one he was had it and I have no idea what to do about it. It doesn’t seem to bother him one bit. I have bought all kinds of things for it and none of them work. And it doesn’t help that he will eat anything and everything his mouth can come in contact with so I always have to be careful when taking him on his walks. This is especially true if we come across another dog’s poop. He will stop and look at it and either try and eat it or dive in it head first and then rub his entire body in it. He needs Jesus.
  7. There is no #7.
  8. You take him I took last time! I say this all the time. It never works. Lauren has a never ending supply of excuses as to why she cannot take the dog out. My favorites are:
    1. “I am on my period.”
    2. “It’s taco Tuesday. I just can’t.”
    3. “Technically it’s your name on the dog owner certificate.”
    4. “I’m watching Netflix.”
    5. “I just made tea.” (She doesn’t drink tea)
    6. “My back. Oh God. My back.”
    7. There is no #7 (lol)
    8. “But the guy from The Notebook just died!” (He died several years ago)
    9. “I’m reading a book.” (Literally the LIE of the century)
    10. “I have anxiety dad. The struggle is real.”
  9.  I think I dislocated my arm again!  Blue is psycho. I will be out on a walk with him and for no particular reason whatsoever he will take off running like a horse out of the gate at the Kentucky Derby. He is not running toward anything or even away giphy8from anything. He’s just running. He takes off like a rocket that has completely forgotten that it is still tied to the earth. In that instant you just have to hold on to dear life and hope he doesn’t rip your arm out of your socket. We had one of this leashes that unroll and then roll back up by themselves but he broke it. One day he took off running like a bat out of hell because a butterfly landed on his back. When he bolted I tried to slow him down by pushing the button on the leash designed for just that and it blew up like the old Samsung Galaxy Note 8 phones. Seriously, there was smoke and everything. I am going to use a bungie cord as a leash next time to slow him down a bit. That should be fun.
  10. Did you feed the dog? More often than not we probably feed the dog more than we should. No one is really in charge of feeding him specifically. Usually first person up puts food in his bowl and takes him outside to do his business. He’s fed again late afternoon. But we sometimes don’t know if the other person already did it and have to ask each other if he was fed or not. But he eats good. He’s gained a good 8 pounds since we got him. Well, I am not sure if they are “good” but he’s gained them.

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That’s all for now dog lovers. Remember, if you want to get a dog go to a shelter and save one. There is a pet out there for everyone and nothing is better than a dog whose life you saved. Oh, and stay away from cats. They are evil.

 

 

4 thoughts on “The Dog Owner’s Life (Blue)

Add yours

  1. LOL, it sounds like fun (and a lot of work that is totally worth).

    ‘I’m on my period’ is the best excuse. Now that one of my kids opened his forehead getting four stitches and we compared lost blood, I’m some kind of badass survivor for them. So, if I yell that excuse they are totally on that one with me “leave her alone, Dad, she needs to stay in bed.” Their future wifes better worship me for that one (you’re welcome, girls).

    I laughed a lot, thanks!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bwahaha. Elsa would agree with the last sentence. She’s been ‘introduced’ to the evil up close and personal and it did not go well. Perhaps the long canines accompanying the bark! bark! bark! led the poor innocent thing that this meeting was not going to end well if it didn’t take a preemptory shot. Elsa yelped “what the dawg!” But she now has a better respect-she thinks she can sneak up instead of going with a full on frontal meet-n-greet.

    Liked by 1 person

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