How would you like it if I slapped you on your ass?
First thing every morning I take Blue out for his walk. Blue has this thing he does where he has to pee on no less than one thousand things before he comes back in. Sometimes though, he takes this one long pee somewhere and for the next 999 times that he lifts his leg on something nothing happens. But he will still stop and lift his leg and try to pee anyway. So when he stops and pees forever I sometimes like to give him a little nudge with my foot to stop so he will have some left over for the other 999 stops he will make.
This one morning he stopped by the fence that separates my apartment building with another apartment complex and he started peeing one of his forever pees. I swear they can last five minutes. Anyway, he was taking forever so I said, “Hey, cut it already. Let’s go. You have 999 other stops to make.” Yes, I actually said that out loud. As usual he ignored me so with my right foot I reached over and pushed him on the butt to get his attention. The ground he was on was kind of slanted upward toward the fence so when I did that he lost his footing (do dogs have footing? Pawing?) and rolled down the slant to the walkway and landed on his back and just stayed there looking at me trying to make me feel guilty. I didn’t. It was hilarious.
Then I heard a not so happy voice from the other side of the fence. It said, “Hey! How would you like it if I slapped you on the ass while taking a piss?” Across the fence was this very pretty maybe 20-year-old girl with a very pissed off face looking at me. A girl who my oldest son would probably describe as “hella cute”.
I was still contemplating my answer to her question when, luckily for me, and before I said something stupid, another girl came out of the apartment behind her. This girl was twice the size of the first girl and all muscles with a buzz cut hair style. She said, “What the fuck did you say?”
She wasn’t talking to me. She was obviously talking to her little girlfriend. I should have just walked away. The first girl was gathering her thoughts and was about to explain when I, being safely on the other side of the fence, felt a little chatty.
“She said she wanted to slap me on the ass while peeing. Though to be honest I don’t know if she meant while I was peeing or while she was peeing. She wasn’t very clear. ”
I suddenly sensed they had something to discuss among themselves so Blue and I quickly made our way back between the buildings while they had their little chat. As I turned the corner I heard the fence rattling and figured the big girl was trying to climb over it. Blue and I did not look back. We’re not stupid. Blue – “Bitches be crazy.”
Refrigerate after opening…
A couple of weeks ago Lauren got real sick with sore throat and fever. Like most of us she went looking for something or someone to blame for it. She decided on the brand new bottle of Ranch Dressing she had used for her salad earlier. The conversation went something like this:
Lauren – It was the ranch dressing dad. I’m sure of it.
Me – Why do you think that was it?
Lauren – I put it in the refrigerator when we got it home from the store.
Me – So?
Lauren – It said on the bottle “refrigerate after opening”.
Me – I still don’t get it.
Lauren – I refrigerated it before opening. It says on the bottle to “refrigerate after opening”.
Me- No babe, I think it means that if you open it you have to refrigerate it afterwards or it will go bad. You can refrigerate it anytime before that.
Lauren – Nope that is not what it says. Refrigerate after opening. Not before, but after. I messed up.
Me – I’m pretty sure that is not at all what that means.
Lauren – I’m pretty sure it does.
Me- Look. They don’t care what you do with it before you open it. You can leave it in the pantry, on the table, or you can stick it up your butt for all they care. You just can’t leave it out after opening it. You have to put it in the refrigerator afterwards. Do you get it?
Lauren – You know I once heard about a guy who went to the emergency room and they found he had a live gerbil up his butt. People are weird, Dad. Weird.
Me – I’m out.
So not thexthy …
A few months ago I was with my daughter Lauren at a sandwich shop called McAlister’s. We were ordering and the girl who attended us at the counter had a cute lisp. Our conversation went something like this.
Girl- Welcome. What can I get for you?
Lauren – I’ll take the club. Make it a half sandwich with broccoli cheese soup.
Girl- Would you like thipths with that?
Lauren – No chips. Thanks.
Girl – Do you want honey mustard or spithy musthard?
Lauren – Spicy mustard.
Girl – Okay. How about you sir? What kind of sandwith would you like?
Me – I”ll take the club sandwith. Not the half sandwith. The full sandwith. No soup. And I want a big bag of thipths. What kind of thipths do you have?
The girl stares at me. Lauren elbows me in the ribs.
Me – What?
Lauren – Dad! Why are you lisping? That’s rude!
Me – Shith? Am I? Thorry.
Not cool. Apparently I do this. Lauren has pointed it out 3 times. One time a person sitting next to us at another table had a noticable lisp and I started lisping again without even knowing it. Another time I was pulled over by a cop and he had a lisp. That did not go over well.
Is this an old person thing? Is it curable? Am I getting dementia? Any other things like this I have to look forward to in my old age? Theriouthly?
I got through the first 55 years of my life without doing this. Why now? Why me?
Please let me know if I am alone in this one. It’s probably just me doing this. It is isn’t it? Dammit.