Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself #5

This is my dog. Her name is Jessica.

It’s official.

I now know more dogs by name than I know people in my neighborhood. About time too. Not that I talk to the dogs anymore than I do the people. I don’t. But dogs names are easier to remember and real dog people get a kick out of it more when you remember their dog’s name than when you remember theirs. It’s a pet owner thing I guess.

Duke, Coco, Blanca, Blancita, Furimosa, Cali, Phoebe, Molly, Mission, Bella, Dish, Sammie, and Watson are just a few. I always get a kick out of it when people name their pets with what are normally only people names.  Gone are the days of Rex, Fido, and Spot. I can just imagine someone coming up and saying “Hi, this is my dog Jessica”. That is just so wrong. So wrong.

Anyway, I can’t name the owner for half of the dogs above. And I doubt the dog owners know my name. And why should they? All they need to know is that I am “Blue’s owner”. That’s probably all they care to know. Plus, I often give out different names to people I think I am probably never going to meet again or have no interest in knowing. It also makes it easier for when people I have met later come up to me and try to strike up a conversation. They are like, “Hey, you’re Jacob. I met you at the library a few months ago.” I’m like “Sorry man, I don’t know any Jacob.” Which of course, is true, I am not Jacob, nor do I know any Jacob. People are so needy. Dogs are so much better.

Can I squeeeeeeze it?

I am not a $4.98 pint of ice cream kind of guy.

Ask anyone who knows me. I am just not that guy. Never have been. For years now I have paid no more than $1.68 for a tasty pint of various kinds of ice cream from the local HEB  grocery store. They make their own Creamy Creations brand that is just fine with me. I don’t do Ben and Jerry’s or whatever else bougie kind of ice cream is out there. And there are a million out there. Not that they aren’t great because they probably are. I just don’t think anyone should pay that kind of money for ice cream.



Okay. Here is the thing. It wasn’t the ice cream itself . I mean it was just vanilla with chocolate shell covering. No big deal right? I meant how could it be a big deal? I have eaten vanilla ice cream with milk chocolate covering all my life. We all have. Well, it just was. It called to me. It wanted me have it. Something about it was so sexy.

I looked in the cooler at the store and saw the pint of Magnum Milk Chocolate and Vanilla ice cream. Had seen it before. Too expensive I thought. I had seen the commercials. Sexy woman with sexy lips eating Magnum Chocolate bar. I get it. But that stuff doesn’t work on me. At least not standing so close to the freezer. But anyway. Five dollars ice cream pints is just not a thing I do. No matter how sexy the lips.


Sorry, I could not find a sexy gif of a girl eating the pint. Just these Magnum Bars thingies. Still though, my point applies. I am not a easily swayed by these things. But then it happened. I made a fatal mistake. I turned the pint of ice cream around and read the back.


It wanted me to squeeeeeeze it. It wanted me to craaaaaaack it. It was a dare I think. Like maybe I couldn’t crack it if I tried. It was testing me. Like Thor’s hammer. Maybe I was not worthy. Daring my manhood. I guess I should have just walked away. Or could I? Nah. There are times in a man’s life that when he should walk out the door and avoid a fight and there are other times a man needs to walk over and lock the door and walk back inside and fight every single cowboy in the room (Coward of the County, Kenny Rogers, circa 1979).

I never get dragged into fights. I believed Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid when he said that the best defense in a fight is “no be there”.  But this was different. It challenged me. It challenged me the way Captain Kirk challenged Kahn in The Wrath of Kahn. The two were going to meet. It was inevitable. But only one was going to get out of it alive.

Okay maybe that’s a little much. I’d probably stop right before Perdition’s Flame. Still though, I fought the urge for a couple of days. I went back to HEB two days in a row after I first saw the ice cream and just stared at them for a while with the freezer door open until the whole row of freezer doors fogged up (that really pisses other shoppers off by the way). But by day three I couldn’t stand it any more. I had to squeeeeeeze it. I had to craaaaaaack it. And I did. Right then and there at the store, which, after thinking about it was probably not a great idea. Of course it was my luck that right after I squeezed it and cracked it I realized I did not have my wallet with me. I felt like that stupid lady that was busted licking Blue Bell ice cream buckets and then putting them back. I was in trouble. Should I sneak out of the store? I thought about it. But I didn’t want to be one of those guys on the evening news  and on video surveillance who the police are asking for the public’s help to identify. Not again at least. (story for another time)

I was about to call someone to bring me my wallet when I realized I had downloaded the bank app that allows me to pay with my phone some time back but had just never used it. So I grabbed three of the them and headed out. I even rushed through the self checkout line which I normally don’t use because it costs people their jobs. Damn machines are taking over! But, hey, these were desperate times.

As it turned you can only get so much satisfaction from squeezing a pint of ice cream. So by ice cream number three I was bored again (no I didn’t eat them all on the same day). Don’t get me wrong. The lady with the sexy lips was right, the ice cream was awesome. But in the end it’s just milk chocolate and vanilla ice cream and it is way too boujee at $4.98 to keep buying week after week. Give me the $1.68 ice cream anytime. No, seriously, give it to me now I’m hungry again.

Heading out to HEB now.

Death by coffee.

Some time back a good  friend of mine gave me several bags of coffee for me to try. After being a cop for 30+ years he took a part time job ( I think to get away from his woman) fixing coffee machines for a company that leases out coffee machines to restaurants. He travels from place to place fixing them and gets to keep several samples. Last time I saw him he gave me several sample bags.

Now I didn’t have a coffee machine at the time so I had not tried them. I finally got a coffee machine a couple of weeks back and had ran out of Keurig pods today so I tried out the coffee machine. I put in the usual amount (about a tablespoon or so per cup) in the machine and made a few cups.

It wasn’t bad. It was a bit strong for my taste so I made a mental note to use less next time. Then it hit me. Suddenly I felt like I had just woken up for the first time. I was alert as I have ever been in my life. Reminded me of the time I took No-Doze in college to stay up and write research papers the night before they were due. Fireworks were going off in my head.  A fly landed on the wall next to me and I heard it. I then heard the fly walking across the wall. This was not good.

The coffee, as it turned out, was specifically made for those restaurant coffee machines he fixes and are highly concentrated. The small bags he gave me, which I assumed made maybe six cups of coffee, made sixty cups. Sixty. I was drinking approximately ten cups of coffee in my one cup of coffee.

But I survived it. No side effects. Maybe a little twitch on my left side that scares the dog when he sits next to me on the sofa. That’s it though. I am hoping that goes away.

P.S. Have a great day and be kind to someone today.


5 thoughts on “Things I Overheard While Talking To Myself #5

Add yours

    1. you know I actually tried that one. Eventually it is too strawberryish. Metal shards. Well I actually had a bottle of liquor once that had gold flakes in it for some odd reason. Does that count? I think it counts. I’m counting it. I am a man now.


  1. Yikes, I got the jitters just reading about your coffee experience. Ok, maybe because I’m jealous since I recently went on a coffee moratorium. So jealous, but terrified if I had a cup of that tasty nectar now, I’d probably go into orbit.

    P.S. I’m with you on the ice cream thing, the house brand which is frequently on sale (2 for $6) is just as fine and fattening as any pricey designer brand. And squeezing seems a tad pervy.

    Liked by 1 person

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